Predator fish

There was a program on PBS last week about fish in Lake Tanganyika in Africa. One species of fish has evolved into a mouth brooder to protect its babies from predators. It takes its eggs into its mouth and holds them there until they hatch and have grown large enough to survive in the outside world. A species of catfish, however, matched that adaptation with one of its own: it lays its eggs with the mouth brooder. When the catfish eggs hatch, they eat the mouth brooders eggs.

Nature can be a very violent place. Humankind shares in that violence, not only in actions, but in words. Our mentors teach us to be violent to ourselves and others by what we say and how we say it. There are predator fish waiting to be hatched in our mouths. They go by the names of "should," "have to," and "can't." They teach us to feel guilt and shame and stifle our creativity and compassion.

The psychologist, Marshall Rosenberg, explains in detail in his books on nonviolent communication how these words contribute to violence among us. He also explains what we can do about it. First, limit the usage of these words in our everyday language. Use words like "want to" instead, and then only do what we want to do.

Second, listen for what people are trying to say, even if they don't say it. Angry words directed at us may be a way of telling us the other person has needs that are not being met. So often we hear what others say as a judgment of ourselves, rather than a cry for help. How we take it matters because it affects what we do next.

Action follows thought. If we think in terms of everyone's needs, we are more likely to be focused on ways to meet those needs. One basic need we all share is the need for love.

We can turn things around for us and create peaceful, cooperative societies where we share in the benefits of collaborative effort. We don't have to let the predator fish take over our mouths. Change begins with a word.